thank you thank you for this chance i have to go make myself a new home.

oregon. jeez.

i feel like anything i do doesn't matter. i feel like the world has become immaterial because the seconds are seeping away. i have fifteen days. matt says don't be sad don't be scared and i'm trying, i'm not freaking out. i'm just not thinking. or i am or what? i am making up things to do until i see him again. i am so used to the heat of his skin and the strength in his arms and the depth of his eyes and without it the world is good but more surface, more skin. nothing to pull me under and keep me feeling and touching and breathing like i'm really alive.

so many stories i could write but i won't because i don't know.

i like the beach. i like the waves and the salt in the air. i like rivers and streams and ponds and lakes and pools and waterfalls and fountains and tears of love and tears of joy.